Throughout the book, interspersed with some truly goopy romantic sentiment, Kumi reminds us that Ness and Jeff are kids, and not yet cootie-inoculted, at that, who travel everywhere with a girl who kind of freaks them out. Exemplary passages:
All of the beds were so big they looked like pro wrestling rings. The room by the kitchen was decorated with relatively simple blue linens, but the one further back in the suite was something else. The bed cover was black velvet with pink satin embroidery, and was folded back to show off two big fluffy pillows with matching colors. Placed above those was a heart-shaped herbal pillow. The pink and golden flower-patterned bed curtain lined with lace reached the floor, and pillars shaped as half-naked maidens holding flowers up before their eyes supported the canopy. On the bedside night stand was a neatly folded silk nightgown. A silver-colored wine cooler sat thickly entwined in frost, a welcome basket was filled with a mountain of fruit and a bouquet of deep red roses stifled the air with a strong fragrance!
So, I guess this was the honeymoon suite, and this bed for the newlyweds. The boys turned a shade of red at the sight.
“Yaay, it’s gorgeous! I get this ooone! ♪” Paula, however, leaped onto the bed and, squealing with delight, rolled all around it. “Wow, it’s so fluffy! And it smells so good… ahhhh…… Hey, you two, you can relax, you know. Why don’t you have a seat?”
“Uh… nah, I’m fine.”
“I’m—gonna go check the emergency exits!”
Jeff walked over to the desk and examined the hotel guidebook. Ness grabbed the room key and left to go check the hotel’s emergency escape route.
Poor Ness, especially, is made to act like he will melt if he remains too long in the presence of something or someone that gives off a girly vibe. A girl rolling around on a honeymoon suite bed while singing and giggling? I’m giving him a pass here—I think I saw that in a particularly creepy Def Leppard video.
This is going on in Summers, at the Hercules Suite; to get the reservation, Paula committed fraud! After the jump: Paula committing fraud!
To be gleaned, additionally: Ness loves his mommy! Like, Oedipally. Also, they don’t check ID in Summers. Also, Paula is realllllly catty.
A pink limousine the length of at least two cars pulled up in front of them.
Inside was a beautiful woman in a pure white chemise dress and wrapped in a fur shawl. She could have been an actress, or something. When the car stopped in front of the entrance, someone dashed to the car. It was a bellboy dressed in a green military-looking uniform, complete with epaulets, braids and golden buttons on his gorgeous coat. He happily offered his arm, and the beautiful woman gently smiled and elegantly took it in hers. Her six-inch high heels traveled slowly as she walked. Her lively dress showed off her round derriere as it swayed left and right, shaking with each step she took.
“What a hottie…” Jeff said in shock. [Editor: The part of Jeff will be played by Sean Penn.]
“Now that’s what you call a grown woman.” Ness thought of his own mother for a brief moment, but he would definitely have been teased about being a mama’s boy, so he kept his mouth shut about it.
“Oh, she’s clearly past her prime,” Paula spat as she turned up her nose. “It may sound good to call it glamor, but she’s a bit fat, don’t you think?”
As those in the area watched the woman make her way inside, the three kids also slipped through the golden-framed glass doors.
The entrance, covered in marble, looked like a shrine or museum. The sparkling floor looked like a suitable practice ground for an ice hockey team. Carved into the gently colored ceiling, stretching far above the lobby, were an angel blowing a bugle, young maidens spreading flowers, and a stern-looking man who held a sword in one hand and a scale in the other. The front desk was filled with flowers, and nearby was a staircase bigger than any of them had ever seen, spiraling upwards in the shape of a heart.
“Welcome.” A tall, handsome hotelman approached the three kids. “Do you have a reservation?” He spoke politely but looked to be on his guard.
“Well, no, but…” Ness began.
“Hey,” Paula stepped forward and cut in. “You see that woman that just came in?” Her voice came out husky and sexy. She flipped her golden blonde curls back with a flick of the hand, shifted her weight onto one foot to make a strange pose, and sparkled her bright blue eyes. “This is just between you and me, but, that’s my mama.”
The hotelman and the boys beside her all froze in surprise for a moment, jaws dropped, but Paula just scrunched her cute face together mischievously and then offered a most dignified smile. “Daddy was worried she was off playing around with other boys, so he told me to come and check.”
“I see, so that’s what it is,” the hotelman nodded understandingly. “I understand. We shall prepare the Hercules Suite for you; it is right next to your mother’s Aphrodite Suite.”
“Merci beaucoup. But… not a word to anyone else, y’hear?”
Not a word to anyone else, y’hear! And if it looks like we don’t know each other, don’t consider what that might mean, y’hear!
I know Summers is expensive, but if they don’t have enough money this far into the game they definitely bought that house in Onett, the suckers.